"The End" is just the start for Tyson who doesn't have time for Bird Sex! Watch Video & Transcript of Funny New ADULT SWIM Cartoon: MIKE TYSON'S MYSTERIES
 By Johnny Benz, Doghouse Boxing (Nov 3, 2014)
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PRESS PLAY: MIKE TYSON'S MYSTERIES Ep. 1: "The End" |
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This is basically my review, which includes video and transcript. The aptly named title of the first episode of MIKE TYSON'S MYSTERIES is entitled "The End", and it's a perfect way to start off what I can only describe as brilliant and fantastic!
I knew Tyson via ADULT SWIM was releasing a new cartoon featuring none other than the "Iron" man himself as a sleuth detective with a Scooby-doo type gang... what I failed to realize it that each episode is also being released on NETFLIX. So imagine my surprise yesterday when I logged onto my NETFLIX's account and saw to my benefit and enjoyment, MIKE TYSON'S MYSTERIES listed in my play list. NETFLIX will be rolling out a new episode each week! (So for me, this goes well with BoJack Horseman - another amazing cartoon on NetFlix).
If you haven't seen it,
the full 1st episode has been made available online by ADULT SWIM. You can view the full first episode by pressing play on the video player embedded to the left of this text. (If you got a sense of humor, you are going to love it!)
I admit, as much of it was off the wall, I could not stop laughing at every punch line. I loved how it felt like a 70's / 80's cartoon, but I also give credit for Tyson for being so damn funny and his own expense. It's hilarious, and although not geared for children, the young teens in our house loved it.
The episode runs for 11 minutes. I gave it 5 out of 5 drunk pigeons and a solid uppercut to a chupacabra's nut-sack!
Here is the full transcript of the first episode:
0:00
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
0:31
[ PIGEONS COOING ]
0:37
>> Mike: AWW, MAN!
0:38
LOOK AT ALL THESE PIGEONS IN
0:39
HERE, MAN!
0:40
WE GETTING BEHIND AGAIN.
0:42
OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN UP!
0:43
[ BOOM! ]
0:44
OH! MARQUESS, YOU SCARED THE
0:45
BEJESUS OUTTA ME, MAN!
0:46
WHY YOU GOTTA BE CREEPIN'?
0:48
>> Marquess: OH, SORRY.
0:49
DID IT DO THAT THING WITH THE
0:50
EXPLOSION AND THE SMOKE AGAIN?
0:51
I-I SWEAR, I AM NOT DOING IT
0:52
INTENTIONALLY.
0:53
>> Yung Hee: DAD, WHEN ARE YOU
0:54
GOING TO LOOK AT THESE WITH ME?
0:55
>> Mike: LOOK AT WHAT?
0:56
>> Yung Hee: COLLEGE CATALOGS.
0:57
I HAVE TO APPLY SOON.
0:58
>> Mike: NOT NOW, BABY.
0:59
A PIGEON JUST BROUGHT IN A NEW
1:00
MESSAGE.
1:01
HEY, GUYS!
1:01
EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A MESSAGE
1:03
FROM SOMEONE THAT NEEDS OUR HELP
1:04
SOLVING A MYSTERY.
1:05
>> Pigeon: MAYBE, BEFORE WE TAKE
1:07
ON THE NEXT MYSTERY, WE SOLVE
1:08
THE MYSTERY OF FIGURING OUT HOW
1:09
TO TURN ME BACK INTO A HUMAN
1:11
BEING.
1:11
I MEAN, I HAVE AN ACTUAL
1:12
INTEREST IN SOLVING THAT
1:14
MYSTERY, UNLIKE EVERY OTHER ONE.
1:17
>> Yung Hee: YOU DESERVED TO BE
1:18
TURNED INTO A PIGEON BY YOUR
1:19
WIFE, BECAUSE YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
1:20
>> Pigeon: EX-WIFE.
1:21
AND YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
1:22
ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, YOU LITTLE
1:24
HOME-SCHOOLED WEIRDO.
1:25
>> Yung Hee: WELL, I THINK THE
1:26
MOST OBVIOUS MYSTERY TO SOLVE IS
1:28
WHO IS MY MOTHER AND WHY DID SHE
1:29
LEAVE ME ON MIKE TYSON'S
1:30
DOORSTEP WHEN I WAS A BABY?
1:32
>> Pigeon: PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE
1:33
DIDN'T WANT YOU.
1:34
THERE. MYSTERY SOLVED.
1:35
>> Yung Hee: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.
1:37
>> Pigeon: I'M...
1:38
YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.
1:39
>> Marquess: SHE'S NOT AN
1:40
"ASSHOLE."
1:41
AND THAT'S NOT HOW YOU TALK
1:42
AROUND A YOUNG LADY.
1:43
>> Pigeon: WHY ARE YOU STILL
1:44
HERE?
1:45
YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.
1:46
HE'S NO FUN, HE DOESN'T PARTY,
1:47
HE DOESN'T BEAT UP RANDOM
1:49
PEOPLE.
1:49
YOU BASICALLY TURNED HIM INTO
1:51
YOU, EXCEPT HE'S NOT A CLOSETED
1:52
HOMOSEXUAL.
1:53
>> Marquess: YOU KNOW WHAT?
1:54
[BLEEP] YOU.
1:56
>> Mike: THAT'S IT, TEAM.
1:57
NOW WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE!
1:58
OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT MYSTERY WE
2:00
HAVE TO SOLVE THIS WEEK.
2:02
MAN, THAT'S A LOT OF WORDS!
2:05
"THE CEDAR WAS DAMP AND
2:06
WOULDN'T LIGHT.
2:07
A COYOTE YAPPED SOMEWHERE IN
2:08
THE ARROYO."
2:09
OH, MY GOD!
2:10
IT GOES ON FOREVER LIKE THIS.
2:11
WHAT THE HELL?
2:13
>> Marquess: IT'S FROM
2:14
CORMAC McCARTHY.
2:15
>> Mike: WHO?
2:16
>> Marquess: CORMAC McCARTHY.
2:17
PULITZER PRIZE WINNER.
2:19
FAMOUSLY RECLUSIVE.
2:20
>> Mike: WHY IS CARMA McARTHUR A
2:21
RECLUSIVE AUTHOR?
2:22
DID HIS FACE BURN OFF IN A FIRE
2:24
AND HE HAS A METAL FACE AND
2:26
EVERYONE IS SCARED OF HIS FACE?
2:27
>> Marquess: NO.
2:28
>> Mike: OR MAYBE HE'S REALLY A
2:30
ROBOT OR A MYTHOLOGICAL
2:31
CREATURE LIKE A HORSE MAN.
2:32
I BET THAT'S THE MYSTERY.
2:33
>> Marquess: CORMAC McCARTHY IS
2:35
NOT A CENTAUR.
2:36
THAT IS NOT THE MYSTERY.
2:37
>> Mike: I DIDN'T SAY CENTAUR.
2:38
I SAID HORSE MAN.
2:39
>> Yung Hee: IT SAYS HE CAN'T
2:41
FIND AN ENDING TO THE BOOK HE'S
2:42
WRITING.
2:43
>> Pigeon: AND HE THOUGHT HE'D
2:44
TURN TO A RETIRED BOXER FOR
2:46
HELP?
2:46
SO THE ACTUAL MYSTERY IS WHEN
2:47
DID CORMAC McCARTHY LOSE HIS
2:49
MIND.
2:49
>> Mike: COME ON.
2:50
IT'S TIME TO GET INTO THE
2:51
MYSTERY MOBILE AND GO HELP
2:52
CORMAC McCARTHY WRITE AN ENDING
2:54
TO HIS BOOK!
2:54
>> Pigeon: I CAN'T GO.
2:55
I HAVE AN INTERNET WHORE COMING
2:57
OVER TONIGHT.
2:58
>> Yung Hee: UGH!
2:58
YOU KNOW, THE SECOND THEY SEE
3:00
YOU'RE A PIGEON, THEY'RE NOT
3:01
GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
3:02
>> Pigeon: EH, EVERY ONCE IN A
3:04
WHILE THEY DO.
3:04
>> Mike: GET OFF YOUR ASS,
3:06
PIGEON!
3:06
JUST LIKE THAT OLD SONG SAYS,
3:08
"AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD SEX.
3:09
I GOTTA FLY."
3:10
♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD
3:13
SEX ♪
3:14
♪ I WANNA FLY
3:15
>> Marquess: OKAY, THAT CAN'T BE
3:17
A SONG.
3:17
>> Mike: YEAH, THAT WAS A SONG.
3:19
"AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD
3:20
SEX," MAN.
3:21
♪ YES, DON'T HAVE NO TIME FOR
3:23
BIRD SEX ♪
3:24
♪ JUST TAKE ME ONE MORE TIME,
3:26
GIRL ♪
3:27
♪ I'D RATHER LIE AND DIE, GIRL
3:29
♪ NO MORE TIME FOR BIRD SEX
3:32
♪ YEAHHHH
3:36
>> Marquess: HMM.
3:37
HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT.
3:39
ALTHOUGH MANY PEOPLE PRONOUNCE
3:40
IT "PEW-LITZER," THE CORRECT
3:42
PRONUNCIATION IS ACTUALLY
3:43
"PULL-ITZER."
3:43
>> Pigeon: YOU REALLY THINK
3:45
THAT'S AN INTERESTING FACT?
3:46
REALLY?
3:47
LIKE, YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S
3:49
INTERESTING?
3:50
BECAUSE THE FACT THAT YOU REALLY
3:52
THINK THAT'S INTERESTING IS THE
3:54
INTERESTING FACT.
3:55
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ]
3:57
WHOA, COWBOY!
3:57
>> Marquess: MY GOD, WHAT ARE
3:59
YOU WEARING?
4:00
>> Mike: WHY, THE MAN WRITES
4:01
ABOUT COWBOYS AND SHIT.
4:02
>> Yung Hee: CAN WE PLEASE LOOK
4:04
AT THESE?
4:04
>> Mike: IS THAT THE BOOK WE'RE
4:05
SUPPOSED TO BE PUTTING AN
4:07
ENDING ON?
4:07
>> Yung Hee: NO, THEY'RE COLLEGE
4:08
CATALOGS.
4:09
YOU SAID YOU'D LOOK AT THEM
4:10
WITH ME.
4:10
>> Mike: NOT NOW!
4:11
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DAMN
4:12
MYSTERY, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I
4:14
FEEL ABOUT YOU GOING AWAY TO
4:15
COLLEGE!
4:15
>> Yung Hee: WELL, WE HAVE TO
4:16
TALK ABOUT IT AT SOME POINT.
4:18
I'M 18!
4:18
>> Mike: 18?
4:19
WHERE DID THE TIME GO?
4:21
I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS
4:23
YESTERDAY...
4:24
YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE BABY BUT
4:26
YOU TOLD ME, "STOP LIVING FOR
4:29
YOURSELF."
4:29
>> Marquess: UM, OKAY, I, UH, I
4:31
HATE TO BE A BITCH BUT, UM...
4:33
BABIES CAN'T TALK.
4:34
WE -- WE KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
4:35
SO, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, I WAS
4:37
THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU TO STOP
4:38
LIVING FOR YOURSELF.
4:40
THAT'S ALL.
4:40
>> Pigeon: OH.
4:41
THAT'S GROSS THAT YOU FELT YOU
4:43
HAD TO SAY THAT.
4:44
>> AH, SEÑOR TYSON!
4:45
>> Mike: HEY, GORTOG McCRAPPY,
4:47
GREAT MEETING YOU.
4:49
>> OH, NO, I'M RAFAEL.
4:50
I WORK FOR MR. McCARTHY.
4:52
AND I'M AFRAID HE CAN'T JOIN
4:53
YOU THIS EVENING.
4:55
IT'S THE WRITER'S BLOCK.
4:56
HE HAS NEVER HAD IT LIKE THIS.
4:58
THESE ARE COPIES OF HIS NEW
5:00
BOOK.
5:01
I BEG OF YOU.
5:02
HELP HIM FIND AN ENDING.
5:04
NOW I MUST LEAVE YOU FOR THERE'S
5:06
A CHUPACABRA MOON OUT TONIGHT.
5:08
>> Mike: A CAPACHAPA MOON?
5:10
>> CHUPACABRA.
5:11
GOAT SUCKER.
5:13
BUT IT WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE
5:15
THAN TO SUCK ON MR. McCARTHY'S
5:16
HORSES, ALL HIS PRETTY HORSES.
5:20
>> Pigeon: [ GASPS ]
5:23
OH, MY GOD.
5:24
>> Marquess: WHAT?
5:26
>> Pigeon: SHE LOOKS EXACTLY
5:28
LIKE MY EX-WIFE.
5:30
OH, GOD, SANDRA!
5:37
[ SIGHS ]
5:39
[ GRUNTS ]
5:41
>> Marquess: PIGEON! WHAT --
5:42
[ GASPS ] OH!
5:43
>> Yung Hee: OH!
5:44
>> Marquess: SOMEONE! OH!
5:46
OH! OHH!
5:49
OH, PIGEON!
5:51
>> Pigeon: SO, WOULD YOU SAY THE
5:53
"PEW-LITZER" MELTED IN THE FIRE
5:56
OR WOULD YOU SAY THE
5:57
"PULL-ITZER" MELTED IN THE FIRE?
6:03
I'M LOOKING FOR ONE GOOD SEX
6:05
SCENE TO JACK OFF TO BEFORE I GO
6:07
TO SLEEP.
6:08
BUT IT'S NOTHING BUT COWBOYS
6:10
TALKIN' TO OTHER COWBOYS!
6:12
McCARTHY'S A PRUDE.
6:13
HE'S NO UPDIKE.
6:14
I LIKE THOSE JOHN UPDIKE WOMEN,
6:17
THOSE MIDDLE-AGED, TAN GALS.
6:18
>> Mike: [ SIGHS ]
6:19
WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO GO TO
6:21
COLLEGE?
6:22
I NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE, AND NOW
6:24
I'M ABOUT TO HELP A
6:25
PULITZER PRIZE-WINNING NOVELIST
6:27
WRITE A BOOK.
6:28
HOW IS IT?
6:29
>> Pigeon: IT SUCKS.
6:31
>> Marquess: [ SIGHS ]
6:32
NO. I-IT'S FINE.
6:33
IT'S JUST, UM...
6:34
THERE ARE NO QUOTE MARKS, SO I
6:36
JUST HAVE TO KEEP RE-READING
6:37
SECTIONS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW
6:38
WHO'S TALKING.
6:39
[ MAN SCREAMS ]
6:40
>> OHH.
6:41
IT'S THE CHUPACABRA!
6:43
I-IT BIT ME WITH ITS MOUTH!
6:45
AY!
6:45
[ GROANING ]
6:47
>> Yung Hee: OH, NO!
6:49
>> OHH!
6:51
>> Marquess: MICHAEL, WHY ARE
6:53
YOU SMILING?
6:53
>> Mike: BECAUSE NOW I KNOW WHAT
6:55
I HAVE TO DO.
6:56
I'M GONNA USE MY HEART TO HELP
6:58
CROMAC FIND HIS ENDING.
6:59
BUT I'M GONNA USE MY FISTS TO
7:01
BEAT THE [BLEEP] OUT OF A
7:02
CHUPACARMA, THE ONLY THING I
7:04
HAVE NEVER BEATEN THE [BLEEP]
7:05
OUT OF YET.
7:07
>> Yung Hee: DAD!
7:09
>> Pigeon: "CHUPACABRA" IS A
7:11
REALLY TOUGH WORD FOR HIM.
7:18
>> Mike: [ PANTING ]
7:21
OH, MAN, OH, MAN.
7:22
IT'S SO [BLEEP] DARK!
7:23
I CAN'T SEE MY HAND IN FRONT OF
7:25
MY FACE!
7:26
OHH!
7:29
OH, MAN, IT'S NEVER BEEN THIS
7:31
DARK!
7:32
OH SH-- OH, SH-- OHH.
7:33
OH, NO. WHAT IF I WENT BLIND?
7:35
I CAN'T FACE LIFE IF I'M BLIND!
7:38
OH, YEAH!
7:38
I'LL RELY ON MY OTHER SENSES!
7:39
I'LL RELY ON MY SENSE OF HUMOR!
7:41
I'LL SAY SHIT LIKE, "SO WHAT IF
7:42
I'M BLIND?"
7:43
AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT
7:44
YOUR UGLY FACE!"
7:45
[ LAUGHS ]
7:46
>> Yung Hee: [ SCREAMS ]
7:47
>> Mike: [ GASPS ]
7:48
[ HORSES NEIGH ]
7:49
>> Yung Hee: DAD!
7:50
[ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ]
7:51
[ HORSES NEIGH ]
7:52
>> Mike: HEY, CHIMIMONGA!
7:53
[ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ]
7:54
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
8:03
[ CHUPACABRA GROANING ]
8:06
>> Yung Hee: YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
8:08
>> Mike: NO, HONEY.
8:09
IT WAS YOU THAT SAVED MINE.
8:10
REMEMBER, WHEN YOU WERE A
8:11
TALKING BABY AND YOU TOLD ME TO
8:13
STOP LIVING FOR MYSELF?
8:14
>> Marquess: UNBELIEVABLE.
8:16
[ CHUPACABRA GROWLS ]
8:17
[ ALL SCREAM ]
8:18
[ HORSE NEIGHS ]
8:26
>> HI, MIKE.
8:27
I'M CORMAC McCARTHY.
8:28
>> Marquess: MY GOD.
8:29
HE
8:29
A CENTAUR.
8:30
>> Mike: MARQUESS, I TOLD YOU
8:32
THAT WAS THE MYSTERY, MAN.
8:33
WHY THE HELL YOU NEVER LISTEN
8:35
TO ME?
8:35
>> Pigeon: WHOA!
8:37
YOU KNOW WHO THAT LOOKS LIKE?
8:40
JOHN UPDIKE.
8:42
>> HEH. THAT IS JOHN UPDIKE.
8:45
EVERYONE THOUGHT HE DIED A LONG
8:47
TIME AGO, BUT HE MUST'VE JUST
8:49
TRANSFORMED INTO A CHUPACABRA.
8:51
>> Mike: HEY, DUDE, HOW ABOUT
8:53
LET'S GO AND FINISH THAT NOVEL
8:55
OF YOURS?
8:56
I THINK I GOT A PRETTY IDEA OF
8:58
AN ENDING FOR YA.
8:59
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
9:01
I TURNED MY NOVEL IN TO MY
9:02
PUBLISHER A WEEK AGO.
9:04
>> Mike: THEN WHO SENT THE NOTE?
9:06
>>
9:06
SENT THE NOTE, PRETENDING
9:07
AS THOUGH IT WAS FROM
9:09
MR. McCARTHY.
9:10
>> RAFAEL, WH-- YOU'VE DIED?
9:13
>> I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD
9:15
SUCCESSFULLY WRITE IN HIS STYLE
9:17
AFTER THESE MANY YEARS WORKING
9:19
FOR HIM ON THE RANCH.
9:20
AND OBVIOUSLY I CAN, SO THIS IS
9:22
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
9:25
TIME FOR A FIESTA!
9:26
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
9:29
>> Yung Hee: DOES HE KNOW HE
9:31
DIED?
9:32
>> Marquess: IT TAKES SOME
9:33
PEOPLE A WHILE.
9:36
>> Pigeon: YOU KNOW, YOU COULD
9:37
LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM UPDIKE
9:39
HERE.
9:39
>> LIKE WHAT?
9:40
>> Marquess: UH, QUOTATION
9:42
MARKS?
9:42
>> Pigeon: NO SEX.
9:43
YOU GOTTA GET SOME SEX IN THERE.
9:45
>> BIRD SEX, HUH?
9:46
>> Pigeon: NO, NOT BIRD SEX.
9:48
I DON'T WANT TO -- I DON'T WANT
9:49
TO READ ABOUT BIRD SEX.
9:51
I'M A MAN.
9:52
>> BIRD SEX.
9:53
THAT REMINDS ME OF THAT OLD
9:54
SONG.
9:55
>> Mike: GIDDYUP,
9:56
CARMAC McCONAGHEY.
9:57
>> ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD
9:59
SEX ♪
10:01
♪ I WANNA FLY
10:02
♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD
10:05
SEX ♪
10:06
♪ I'M GONNA FLY
10:08
♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR BIRD
10:11
SEX ♪
10:12
♪ I'M GONNA FLY
10:14
>> Mike: ♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR
10:16
BIRD SEX, OOH ♪
10:18
♪ I'M KISSIN' THE SKY
10:20
♪ WHOO-WHOO-WHOO
--
__
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