Saturday evening and I had just returned from the Doctor’s office….I just couldn’t seem to shake my bout with the flu. The Doc gave me some cough syrup and warned me not to drive while taking the meds. He also said I could suffer from severe mood swings and maybe even hallucinations. I needed some relief so I took two or three tablespoons of the juice.
Then a strange feeling came over me, I could hear the voices telling me to go over to the dark side. Well, it doesn’t take Albert Einstein to figure that one out…..the forces of evil were trying to suck $70.00 out of my wallet. The dark side could mean only one thing – a Mixed Martial Art event. This was not your usual UFC type thriller (as if I would know), this event would feature the sport’s star of stars – a young lady by the name of Ronda Rousey.
I went to YouTube and watched her legal street fights in something that resembled a boxing ring. My first thought was that under the MMA rules of street fighting, she would easily kick Pacman’s butt. What a sore loser who disgraced his sport, and turned off his 10 billion fans by his very poor performance against boxing’s greatest fighter, Floyd Mayweather. As if that wasn’t enough, his attitude following the fight was very disrespectful. That’s unusual because Filipino’s pride themselves on teaching their children to respect others.
I began to feel dizzy and thought Salma Hayek was in the kitchen petting my French bulldog. A couple of shots of cough syrup made me feel much better. No, I would not pay to watch some little girl break another little girl’s arm in under a minute…..I was stronger than the forces of evil that were trying to pull me under to the UFC world ruled by Satan or boxing promoters. No way would I watch a Mixed Martial Arts event that was certain to lower viewers IQ’s by double digits. I started feeling euphoric like I was in heaven or hell, I just couldn’t figure out which location.
It was about this time when I became very angry at my favorite network, HBO. The next fight for the triple G would be against some clown named David Lemieux this October on PPV. Maybe another shot of cough syrup would quell my anger? Even in my drug induced state of consciousness the powers of deductive reasoning were active. Let’s see….David Lemieux was knocked out three years ago by Marco Antonio Rubio in frame number seven. Last October, sitting next to Salma Hayek, I watched GGG knock out Rubio in frame number two. So let’s use deductive reasoning to try and determine the winner of the GGG/Lemieux bout. The G is 1000% certain to knock out the bum within five rounds. Lemieux is already suffering from bouts of frequent urination at the thought of facing the Triple G. Game over. Poor matchup that doesn’t deserve to be on HBO.
Now I was so mad I couldn’t quit coughing…..I needed another shot of cough syrup….Why?....HBO is going to charge us at least $50 bucks to watch this trash. I wouldn’t pay them two plug nickels for a fight that’s not even close to a decent matchup. I was boiling mad at the thought of PPV ripping off all the righteous, decent, kind, courteous, polite, and considerate boxing fans.
I couldn’t even remember my dog’s name and Salma Hayek had turned into an ugly witch. I sank into the couch and started watching the Danny Garcia / Paulie Malignaggi fight. What a great fight as Paulie knocked out Danny in the ninth round. Maybe it was the other way around, I can’t seem to remember.
Thanks for reading and be careful when taking medications!
David Tyler
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