Random Howlings

Random Howlings

HOWLINGS By Coyote Duran (October 12, 2005)

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Hey, Howlers! Welcome to the very first edition of Random Howlings! What you’re about to experience is but a small adventure into the mind of Coyote Duran. But here’s the hot set-up: It ain’t all about Our Sport, kids. Sometimes, I even have to think about other things. I can’t guarantee they’ll all be important things, mind you, but they’ll all be…uh…things, nonetheless, I promise ya.

Here’s how we play the game, homeys: I’ll list 20 thoughts in all. 10 of them will be boxing related and the other 10 will be non-boxing related. The boxing stuff will be in boldface and the non-boxing stuff? Well, you get the picture. That way, if you don’t wanna read the non-boxing stuff…well, then don’t, man! But if you do, then please be my guest. Remember, it’s all for you and it gives you, the at-home audience, the opportunity to get to know me better.

And no wagering, please. OK! Grab a beverage and come on in!

Anyone who doesn't think women know their boxing hasn't been in the company of the right woman. During the somnambulant Chris Byrd-DaVarryl Williamson fight on Showtime, the very fed-up Mrs. Duran opined that when two fighters don't want to fight, Christians, friends, both or neither, then they've no business being in the game. Furthermore, if Byrd doesn't want to punch his mandatory because he's a pal, then he needs to give the IBF its belt back. Damn. As if she wasn't sexy enough.

I'm not sure whether I should be happy for the little guy or just be out and out flummoxed by the nature of the cosmos? Recently appointed Screen Actors' Guild President Alan Rosenberg just happens to be married to super-hot CSI actress Marg Helgenberger. Little mousy Alan and mega-MILF Marg. Huh. Maybe there is a cosmic justice after all.

Do you think Don King dropped the bid on the upcoming Vitali Klitschko-Hasim Rahman World Heavyweight title bout on purpose in order to get paid no matter what? And with Rahman supposedly having tax problems, why exactly do fighters who clear a respectable coin (after promoters, sanctioning bodies, managers and trainers get their cut, naturally) have these particular problems anyway? Better yet, why do they even give in to can't-win, risky contractual provisions?

I don't care how corny CSI: Miami is. David Caruso is the coolest S.O.B. to ever put on a pair of expensive sunglasses, take them off, put them on again, take them off again, put them on again, put his hands on his hips and pause often during his dialogue.

How good must the representatives of the fringe International Boxing Association feel right now knowing that their strap adorns the best, most consistent heavyweight in the game today, James Toney? Referencing the stripping of the WBA belt he won from John Ruiz, Toney recently and refreshingly declared that fighters make the belts, not otherwise. Curiously, Toney is content wearing the IBA strap he won by defeating Rydell Booker. Perhaps having something tangible to carry validates his claim to being "The Peoples' Champion". Does this make the IBA a valid, upper-tier sanctioning body? What sanctioning body really is? But consider that in the past, IBA belts have pretty much been packaged with other belts that have been at stake in higher profile title bouts. While the organization itself hasn't really been renowned for major screw jobs against their beltholders (I could be wrong, please drop me a line if I am!), will this soften my stance on the alphabet gangs? Not likely, but at least these guys can prove themselves if they want and maybe, just maybe, fighters'll take Toney's lead and clamor for an IBA belt while throwing all the others in the trash. Keep The Ring belt, though. Let's not be stupid now.

I've discovered the crack cocaine of restaurants and that crack cocaine is Famous Dave's Barbeque. Don't ask. Just put it in your mouth and eat it.

While we've got Toney on the brain, I'd like to say that with Toney being as dominant as he is when he's packing extra weight and slightly more susceptible to injuries these days, I'm really glad that Toney didn't drop to a catchweight to face former Undisputed World Middleweight Champion Bernard Hopkins. And Bernard should be relieved too.

Although Jamie Pressly plays the same white-trash tramp job she's played in every role she's ever gotten, I'm convinced that Jason Lee's new comedy My Name is Earl is the best comedy on TV this fall season standing equally only with The Office. Add View Askew co-alum Ethan Suplee as Earl's brother Randy, unbelievably hot Nadine Velazquez as Catalina and Eddie Steeples (The Rubber Band Man from the Office Max commercials) as Darnell/”Crabman” and you've got a laugh track-less jewel with an overflow of heart.

Am I the only one bothered by the fact that we might not see Paul Malignaggi return to the ring as a result of his umpteenth hand injury? I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't miss him.

How is it again that professional asswipe Andy Milonakis gets his own TV show and a part in the new Ryan Reynolds flick Waiting and I can't get a TV or even radio show of my own? That tubby little puke is about as funny as a crippling case of pleurisy.

Speaking of TV, why is Max Kellerman stuck in pay-per-view pre-fight limbo when he deserves a broader spotlight? I propose this to you, HBO: You have three sports-oriented shows that mostly focus on sports that HBO doesn't regularly feature (except for when Bob Costas or Real Sports does a boxing-related piece). Why not give the most enthusiastic student of the game his own weekly show? And if you want, Maxie, I'll even co-host with you every once in a while. It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it.

After failing to win an all-inclusive trip for two to Mexico from a Chicago radio station by posing for a picture with a sombrero, I've come to the conclusion that I'll never pose nude for an internet photo ever again... maybe.

I'm comforted by the fact (and I know I'm not alone here) that Scott Pemberton is getting his shot against IBF Super Middleweight titlist Jeff Lacy soon. "The Sandman" isn't getting any younger and with a family to support and various financial woes, it's crucial that this blue-collar contender makes as many good paydays as possible. He deserves it. Plus, although I am a fan, if Omar Sheika gets one more major title shot without working his way up again, I'll shit myself, then FedEx my underwear to whatever sanctioning body president is offering the shot. Hmm... Maybe I'll do it anyway.

Didja hear about Oregon doctor Randall Smith who's being sued because he convinced female patient Susan Beach to have sex with him because it would help cure her lower back pain? To top it off, the doctor charged her insurance company five grand for the "treatment". I guess it's a good thing he wasn't a proctologist, huh?

Although the Diego Corrales-Jose Luis Castillo non-title rematch did slightly fail to live up to its own or most predecessors of high-drama wars, it was only because of its abbreviated nature. I pegged Corrales to win the rematch but I’d be a stinky liar if I thought the conclusion was hinky by any way, shape or form. Let’s face it, Chico fans. From the opening bell, Castillo had Corrales’ number because of his powerful, consistent lefts and tighter control. Combine that with Corrales’ willingness to cater to providing the brave fight while not keeping his right up plus that crushing left that would’ve dropped The Incredible Hulk and you’ve got a result that I couldn’t bitch about if I tried.

Ladies, are you fed up with having to walk through the doors of your local seamy sex shop in order to innocently purchase a battery-powered friend? Fear not. Word has it that you can soon embarrass yourself in a mainstream department store setting. The store that'll help you hit that special little target? Target.

While I’m in my Corrales-Castillo mindset, I’d also like to add that the only one that was hurt by Jose Luis Castillo’s inability to make weight was Jose Luis Castillo and that wasn’t even by a whole helluva lot. Think about it. Corrales can’t lose any of his belts (The Ring belt included, for those who were wondering). With Castillo winning, Corrales gets to exercise that rematch clause in order to vindicate himself and it allows Castillo to get his ass back down to 135 pounds so he can make a real go for the real World Lightweight Championship (and don’t forget all the dough that comes with it!). Plus, let’s not make weight the catalyst for an anti-Castillo campaign. If Castillo made the weight, how much would he and Corrales gain up to bell time anyway? In a sense, it really all is the same anyway, only without the championship on the line. Nonetheless, all this kafuffle is just one more argument in support of same-day weight-ins. Why shouldn’t lightweights fight as lightweights anyway?

For my broadband buck, there are few funnier places to visit on the 'net than Doghouse Boxing's very own Dog Pound message board "Lounge". For those of you readers who are unfamiliar with the territory, recurring visuals and themes often involve Rutger Hauer and characters from The Karate Kid (that movie sucked more ass than Katja Kassin). Recently, we've seen an all too odd emergence of Young and the Restless characters featured in avatars. Now I don't know Nikki Newman from Sean Newman (although Genoa City sounds like a great place to buy a salami. Or at least hide one.) but when I dwell on the daytime drama, I can't help but still bear resentment for NBC'S 1999 cancellation of Another World when Days of Our Lives is the soap opera equivalent of a rotting sturgeon that was hidden in a tool shed and forgotten. I defy anyone to watch this boiled-over pot o' shit and not keel over from laughter.

Before I became a writer for Doghouse Boxing, I got a great start writing for Luke Callahan and lead writer Julius Stecker from Talking Boxing.com. Luke found me by visiting a crappy site I created in a college HTML class and told me that he got his start working the cyber boxing news beat the very same way. I looked up his site and found that he needed writers and I submitted my report of a Showtime card. At that point, I was hooked. I got my first taste of interviewing guys I only dreamt of talking to before. So now, after splitting time between writing for Talking Boxing and Doghouse Boxing, and with consideration for my upcoming full-time school schedule, I've decided to focus my efforts here at DHB. No, there were no falling outs, creative differences or knives in the backs. Sometimes, a guy needs to pare down everything while refocusing his own creative efforts. That's all. Plus DHB needed a cat (or Coyote) from my neck of the woods. However, without the kindness of Luke Callahan and Julius Stecker, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now and I'd still be some anonymous fight fanatic from somewhere in Illinois. I owe you guys everything and I'll never forget it.

Finally, big, BIG ups to Chicago radio personality Pete McMurray of 105.9 WCKG for having gas. See, on October 5, Pete, who hosts a talk radio tilt from 10 AM to 2 PM Monday-Friday got together with a finance guru from the Windy City named David Hochberg who runs his own company Townstone Financial. With help from Milito’s Mobil in Lincoln Park, Hochberg spent bread from his own pocket and for 105.9 minutes last Tuesday, folks who were lucky enough to get in line got regular unleaded for $1.05 (.9) a gallon! If that wasn’t enough, local businesses Gold Coast Dogs and The Puckered Pickle Company handed out free Chicago-style dogs (NO MUSTARD!!!!) and pickles-on-sticks. On behalf of Chi-Town, you cats are the ginchiest.

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